Improper equipment breeds false anxiety

I went to the doctor the other day, only to discover that everything I had always thought about myself, the entire conception of who "I" was could be shattered in an instant by a digital read out displayed above my feet. I entered the office as hopeful as ever. I had been doing some intense eating and little exercise over the past few month so I felt confident that I could fail another physical examination. All physicals begin the same; routine, height, weight (which is my favorite and the only test that I have scored high on) blood pressure, neurological response time, cleaning out of my stomach-roll-jam, and always the most fun, trying to see my penis in the mirror when I am standing around waiting in the examination room. Low and behold did I know that I was in for a big surprise on this visit. I stepped on the scale and ask the doctor to report my gainage of the past six months. "185lbs". "Excellent", I thought, I didn't know it was possible to gain that much wieght in three months, I would be able to join the half-ton club soon. "No, that is your total weight", he said recognizing my look of triumph. That smile did not last long, "How can this be, I have done everything right, I have eaten the recommended 6000 calories a day, I have exerted little to no effort, I have even tried to stay in the same position for most of my waking life. What has happened!!!", I blurted out loud in fearful exasperation. Too many thoughts ran through my mind at that moment; "I would be kicked out of the over 500 club, I would have to resign from my fat person's rights advocacy group, and I might be found sexually attractive enough that my obese wife would try and have sex with me". It was the end of my life as I knew it. What seemed like a century only lasted a second, "haha, oh Im sorry theres a +2 in the upper right hand corner". That means that the scale filled its capacity once and went in the second order to add an additional 185 lbs. I guess nobody told this hospital that a 600lb scale would not be sufficient in this day and age. Oh the pain of being a fat man in small mans world.