Friday, February 2, 2007

The Champion of Middle Earth

Sorry devoted readers for the brief hiatus from the world of blogging. I have recently been introduced to the world of lord of the rings computer gaming. As many of you might know, it is highly addictive to live vicariously through a character, with as much charisma and stamina as you have in real life, acted out on the battlefield. It is pleasantly surprising to see how I would fare against a battalion of goblins single handedly. The nicest feature about the game is that you can create the character that perfectly mirrors your anatomical physique. I am a captain of Gondor tall, muscular, with long flowing blonde hair, and wielding a double edged broad sword. As many of you have probably already guessed it is an identical look alike to me. Just compare to my picture on my blog. I must admit however, there is a slight difference, and that is the fact that my character can heal himself while I only have super-human healing powers with the aid of neosporin. You may be wondering why it looks as if I have stress marks, those are really tiger strips used in psychological warfare against my enemies. The rotund shape of my stomach is actually a storage mechanism for my warrior berserker rage. When I go into rage mode the energy disperses through the rest of my body and I gain a +6 to my strength attribute. That is in real life of course and the +6 is just a rough estimate.
Now the real question is how to transfer this newly gained strategic knowledge of medieval warfare to the real life battlefield of the streets. I am already in the process of melding my chainmail armor and folding my broadsword. I think I will transfer the name of my lord of the rings character to my super hero alter ego. Many of you who I have crushed in mutliplayer game play will know me as Lord Vorgoth the champion of middle earth. I will, however, simply be named Lord Vorgoth. I will stock those who stock the innocent in the night. The citizens of Toronto will be safe once again (once I get my armor together). Those silly criminals, everyone knows that bullets cant pierce +6 magical full body armor (I am going to have it blessed by the priest at the church down the street), but my long sword will certainly pierce their uncovered craniums. HAHAHAHA! Evil, Beware of Lord Vorgoth!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Improper equipment breeds false anxiety

I went to the doctor the other day, only to discover that everything I had always thought about myself, the entire conception of who "I" was could be shattered in an instant by a digital read out displayed above my feet. I entered the office as hopeful as ever. I had been doing some intense eating and little exercise over the past few month so I felt confident that I could fail another physical examination. All physicals begin the same; routine, height, weight (which is my favorite and the only test that I have scored high on) blood pressure, neurological response time, cleaning out of my stomach-roll-jam, and always the most fun, trying to see my penis in the mirror when I am standing around waiting in the examination room. Low and behold did I know that I was in for a big surprise on this visit. I stepped on the scale and ask the doctor to report my gainage of the past six months. "185lbs". "Excellent", I thought, I didn't know it was possible to gain that much wieght in three months, I would be able to join the half-ton club soon. "No, that is your total weight", he said recognizing my look of triumph. That smile did not last long, "How can this be, I have done everything right, I have eaten the recommended 6000 calories a day, I have exerted little to no effort, I have even tried to stay in the same position for most of my waking life. What has happened!!!", I blurted out loud in fearful exasperation. Too many thoughts ran through my mind at that moment; "I would be kicked out of the over 500 club, I would have to resign from my fat person's rights advocacy group, and I might be found sexually attractive enough that my obese wife would try and have sex with me". It was the end of my life as I knew it. What seemed like a century only lasted a second, "haha, oh Im sorry theres a +2 in the upper right hand corner". That means that the scale filled its capacity once and went in the second order to add an additional 185 lbs. I guess nobody told this hospital that a 600lb scale would not be sufficient in this day and age. Oh the pain of being a fat man in small mans world.

Democratic Totalitarianism

We believe that we live in a Democratic and free society, where justice is blind and protects the poor and despondent of the world. We are one of the last great nations that has a social safety net large enough to catch those who would otherwise fall through the cracks. So, in a backwards slide from freedom to government controlled bread lines comes the enforcement of the nationwide removal of the Super Size selection from the Mcdonald's menu. How in this day and age of "bigger is better" does one of the world's largest corporation begin nationwide "downsizing" in our range of free choice. After years and years of Mcdonald's induced stomach expansion, how will they now deny me the right to a satisfying 64oz Coke and 1/2lb of fried potatoes. Will my stomach ever truly be able to recover and to shrink beneath its present 4 cubic liter capacity.
Did any CEO or top executive stop and ask the question: Will this decision hinder the personal growth of so many of the horizontally challenged around the world? Why, I ask, when personal fullfillment adorns the cover of so many self-help books, does Mcdonalds want to deny me the right to sustenance fulfillment? If I choose to eat in order to fill my gaping existential void, is it really so wrong. What will they do next, require harper and collins to impose a page limit on the books that they publish citing a desire to not "overfeed" peoples brains? We spoke about this at my obese rights group meeting last week and I discovered that I was not the only one whom felt outraged about such a personally touching issue. In a poignant address, my fellow activist delivered a speech reminiscent of a US presidential address in the following way; "Starve me once, and I go to bed hungry, starve me twice and I will eat your insides and use your carcass to stay warm in the cold Toronto winters...or something like that." Who could deny such eloquence and emotional forcefulness? Well I guess that the corporate totalitarian regime called "Mcdonalds" would do so. All I want is to continue on my own chosen journey of horizontal growth, is that too much to ask?

Answer to last post's question: If you are the same mass and volume of a small Chinese village you should be bludgeoned over the head and shipped to said village in cold storage so that you will be fresh and ready to serve on arrival. Descartes did not think animals were rational.

Question of the Post: Why do text books claim a "normal" range of body wieght? Obviously, the text book corporations are enforcing a bodytypist stance and should be brought before a government tribunal on hate crimes. Einstein, in his theory of special relativity espoused the proof that time is a structure relative to the set of clocks used to measure according to the speed of that set of clocks. Why then are textbooks not written relative to watches attached to a fat persons wrist, which moves slower, than they are to skinny persons watches who move at a faster pace?

Hot Dog Fingers and Anal Fissures of the World Unite

I have to apologize to all of the obese Olympic hopefuls out there, this site is not a how-to guide for fat kids dreaming of Beijing in 2008. FAT KIDS CANNOT DO GYMNASTICS. Thats the whole fucking point. Instead we have to direct our energy elsewhere to a type of mental, linguistic, mathematical or console based gaming gymnastics. This however is a slippery slope. Because though most of us have highly tuned 10 lb muscles between our cranium or lightning fast hand eye coordination, our overbearing bodies drastically reduce our energy levels and can keep us from some of the greatest opportunities in life: the nintendo world cup, the xbox world tour, the kentucky hot-wing 2007 bowl, or even gathering the strength to venture out in the world to pick up a 1lb package of sweet of stank ganga, sit back, inhale and feel our blood pressure drop into oblivion and our appetite skyrocket. Cause honestly kids, the only way we are going to be able to sustain the size of morbid obesity that we have obtained is by drinking high caloric beverages (the much praised empty calories) and exerting only enough energy to burn off that latenight snickers mini that we keep by our bedside for mid-sleep cravings.
Seriously now, I know that the blog title is on the lengthy side but I am sure that you can manage to type out the long winded heading for enjoyments sake, that is if your pudgy little hot dog fingers can fit in between the tightly spaced keys. If you need assistance, you can refer to my sister website: Or you can call them on a large buttoned childrens toy phone; (234)578-5689. If you still cannot find a way to reach me, then you must come to the self realization: No, the small Chinese factory workers are not trying to sabatoge my obesity by creating ever shrinking electronic devices ergonomically suited for their dwarfish body type, no, I am simply too fat. Conspiracy theories can function as justification for only so long my friend. Inevitably you will have to face the fact that "walking" in the future is not the same as being driven around on an over sized motorized wheelchair with extendo grippy arms.
Enough introductory material! This is plenty of information to send you down the path of self realization. However I will leave you with a question to ponder; Is it still only self realization if that same self occupies as much mass and volume as a small Chinese village? Stay tuned, the answer to your most pondered questions will be revealed to you in due time.

Hint: The answer has something to do with Descartes theory that all the "things" are primarily determined by their extension in space while all additional characteristics (i.e. color, shape, etc...) are derivative of the fact that they exist in extensio.